Happy New Year - a comic review/recap of the movie
After the success of Main Hoon Na and Om Shanti Om, the team of director Farah Khan and Shahrukh Khan has teamed up once again to convince Pakistan to watch Lollywood instead.
Maybe, the latest skirmishes on the Line of Control are just people asking India for refunds on their Happy New Year cinema tickets.
The movie is more of an advertisement for India, which is ironic since it has been shot in Dubai.
The movie opens with Team India being cheered in the World Dance festival by possibly every single Indian in the UAE getting together.
Farah Khan does not even use CGI for the crowd, it probably was cheaper to get a thousand extras,
Twist: Team India is nowhere to be found, cue a Shahrukh Khan voice over.
"Ye Kismat Bhi Bari Kutti Cheez Hai, Kabhi Bhi Palaat Sakti Hai"
This is followed by five minutes of a shirtless Shahrukh Khan getting a mud bath and playing Street fighter.
Watching Shahrukh Khan try to be sexy is like watching your Phuppho dance on 'Babydoll mai sohnay di' at a Mehndi. It is just wrong, wrong I tell you.
The ode to Shahrukh Khan continues with bad rehashing of famous Shahrukh dialogues from his glory days.
Farah Khan keeps i in the family then by giving her brother ,Sajid Khan, a role in the film too. The only director in the world who would give Sajid Khan anything other than Ebola.
Sajid Khan's scene playing a director of a movie is the worst scene in the movie. It is still better than anything Sajid Khan has actually directed.
Shahrukh Khan puts together a motley crew of people, consisting of Sonu Sood(the muscle), Boman Irani (the safe cracker) and Vivaan Shah(the hacker) to steal diamonds from the man who put Shahrukh's father in jail, falsely ofcourse.
The plot of the movie is a mish mash of the plots of every Hollywood movie Farah Khan has ever seen. It is part Ocean's Eleven, part Step up and part porn spoof of every Shahrukh Khan movie ever made.
The plot is mixed with unnecessary fight sequences forcing multiple Sonu Soodh strip shows.
And even more unnecessary Indian equivalent of 'Yo Mama' jokes.
The final part of Shahrukh's team is Abishek Bachan, an alocoholic street urchin who happens to look exactly like the son of his arch nemisis.
If nothing else, Farah Khan deserves credit for managing to make a movie successful with not one, but two Abishek Bachans.
All that is left to do is for the group to learn dancing and qualify for the World Dance Competition from India.
Enter the dance teacher,Deepika. She can make the worst of movies watchable.
Deepika falls in love with Shahrukh Khan because he can talk in English because if you want logic, what are you doing watching Bollywood?
The team 'diamonds' qualifies after finding an explicit recording of the judges.
After presumably running out of sexist jokes, the writers move to racism making fun of the Korean dance team. There is even a Jackie Chan/Bruce Lee inspired fight scene of Shahrukh Khan and the Korean team leader on top of Burj-ul-Arab.
By this time, you are hoping the movie is about to get over as the plan comes into action but wait, what is this? The diamonds are not there and team India is out of the competition. What now?
Team India is back in the competition as a wildcard entry. The diamonds are there. Plan is back on.
Dunya mai do terhan kay log hotay hai winners aur losers.
Winners jaisay kay movie bananay aur losers jaisay ye movie dekhnay walay.
They get the diamonds, and all our money, the perfect crime. They are all on the boat. They can safely sail away but there is yet another twist. Like an Anaconda squeezing your last breath out of you, Happy New Year has still more to offer.
Deepika has decided to stay back to dance for India.and not leave.
The team goes back. Dances in the final. Wins the final.
Manage to smuggle the diamonds back to India.
Everyone lives happily ever after,except anyone who actually paid to watch 'Happy New Year'.