68 Things That Would’ve Gone Very Differently If Harry Potter Had Taken Place In Pakistan instead.
Yesterday Buzzfeed came out with a list of 68 things that would’ve gone differently if Harry Potter had taken place in India. (http://www.buzzfeed.com/regajha/mad-eye-modi)
Although some of them apply to Pakistan too, we like to do things a little differently. Here is 68 things that would have gone very differently had it taken place in Pakistan instead.
1. All elders would refer to Harry as Harry Putter (son). Upon finding out that he is an orphan, every uncle and aunty would tell him, "Bus ab humay hee apnay ma baap samjho, takaluf kee koi baat nahee puttar." (Now think of us as your parents, there are no formalities with us son.)
2. All the other kids at school would be jealous of Harry for having his own room. Even if it was a closet under the stairs.
3. Hogwarts would be shut half the time from dharnas by Professor Snape asking for an inquiry into the selection process of the Defence of the Dark Arts Professors every year.
4. Snape would demand for Dumbledore’s resignation.
5. Dumbledore would have been the head of Jamiat-e-Islaami.
6. The post would lose your Hogwarts acceptance letter.
7. The government would issue Arabs licenses to hunt the post owls in Pakistan.
8. Half-bloods would be declared kaafir.
9. Ron and Hermoine’s story line would be used as an example of why you should not send your daughters to co-education schools. Humari Larki first atee thi, us manhoos larkay say milnay say pehley!( Our daughter used to come first before meeting that wretched boy.)
10. The ministry of magic would enter into negotiations with the death eaters and Lord Voldemort.
11. The Weasley family would be seen the average family. Every other family would be judged for not having enough children.
12. Dobby’s parents would constantly greet him with “Haye kitnay kamzoor hogaye ho, kuch khatay nahee ho kya school mai?” (Look at how weak you have become, do you not eat anything at school?).
13. Dobby would be hired by restaurants to open the door for customers.
14. The Floo network would be replaced by a Metro Bus Project.
15. The Hogwarts express would never run on time.
16. The wall on Platform 9 ¾ woud be plastered with “Yahan peshab karna mana hai”.
17. Mamnoon Hussain would go to Hufflepuff. The house that does nothing.
18. A kunda would be set up to provide lighting for Quidditch matches.
19. Your massi will complain to your mother about you constantly playing Quidditch and damaging her favourite jharoo.
20. Najam Sehti’s chirya would teach the Astronomy class. Its prediction about Imran Khan and Nawaz Sharif would be made famous…”for neither can live while the other survives.”
21. Rita Skeeter would be labelled a Lifafa Journalist.
22. Rita Skeeter’s column in the Daily Prophet would be called Khara Sach.
23. People would be hanging out of and sitting on top of the knight bus. On the back of the bus it would also say “Ma kee Dua, Janat kee Hawa.”
24. Diagon Alley would be replaced by Sunday Bazaar. You would be able to get wands from China for a cheaper price.
25. The diary of Tom Riddle would sell at Sunday Bazaar for 50 Rupees.
26. The mirror of Erised would be replaced by a picture of your disapproving parents and pictures of potential rishtas.
27. Some of the moving portraits would be spray painted black. Mainly the ones with female occupants.
28. Potions class would be renamed to Zubaida Apa kay totkay.
29. The media would report disparaging on the ball dances. Asking the question, “Does boys and girls dancing at Hogwarts represent our culture?”
30. Nagini would be captured and be forced to perform at Sea View for 25 rupees.
31. Waqar Zaka would kiss Nagini as a dare.
32. Malfoy family would be criticized for their VIP culture. Lucius Malfoy would be asked to leave the Hogwarts Express for boarding late.
33. The only kiss unmarried boys would have a chance to experience would be that by a Dementor, especially NUST students.
34. The Forbidden Forest would be cut down to sell the wood.
35. Death Eaters would manage to organize successful escapes from Azkaban.
36. Dementors would accept Rishwat(bribes).
37. Head of the Ministry of Magic would be called Mr. Ten Percent.
38. People would burn shops at Hogsmeade after the death of Dumbledore. Slogans of Zinda hai Dumbledore would become famous.
39. Moaning Myrtle would be declared haram.
40. Biryaani would be served at every feast at Hogwarts.
41 Harry would not accept the ruling of the court. He would declare the judiciary to be corrupt. Oye Cornelius Fudge, mai tumhay nahee choro ga! (I won't leave you Mr. Cornelius Fudge.)
42. Witches would be confused whether to feel insulted or take it as a compliment everytime they are referred to as “Haye woh churail”. (Oh that witch!)
43. People would claim Angels do not visit Hogwarts because Dumbledore keeps a three-headed dog there.
44. Cedric Diggory would be buried in a political party’s flag.
45. Hagrid would ride a Honda CD-70. Hagrid would appear in an ad saying, “Mai tay Honda hee Lay Sa.”
46. Everything would be blamed on foreign agenda or bayrooni saazish.(International evil plan.)
47. The media would claim Lord Voldemort par dollars lagay huay hai. (He has dollars on him.)
48. Harry Potter would be called a very colourful word for going out with Ron Weasley’s sister.
49. Ali Hamza would make a song on that.
50. There would be a giant ludo board instead in the chamber of secrets to guard it.
51. Remus Lupin would be ostracized for being a veishee bheriya. (Wild wolf.)
52. Sirius Black would be constantly given fairness creams. Everyone would call him Sirius Kala.
53. The Triwizard tournament would be called the Prime Minister’s Triwizard tournament.
54. The winner of the Triwizard tournament would be handed a laptop.
55. Dumbledore’s Army would attempt a coup at the Ministry of Magic.
56. Professor Snape would be referred to as Baaghi.
57. Your mother would blow all spells onto you before you go for school.
58. Hogwarts would be called the Hogwarts Grammar School.
59. Molly and Arthur Weasley would insist on meeting Hermoine Granger’s parents.
60. Love potions would be the most popular potions. Ever. Seriously.
61. Centaurs would be used to ride on to play Polo. Shandur Top Festival Centaur Polo festival would be inaugurated.
62. Buttterbeer would be made by Murree Brewery. It would be illegal but still be available everywhere.
63. Girls would constantly get owls with messages that say, “Will you friendship me?”
64. A peer baba would be called to do an exorcism on Luna Lovegood. “Bachi par jihnn char gaya hai.” (She is possessed by an evil spirit.)
65. Ron’s rat Scabbers would be killed by giving it food with rat poison.
66. Harry Potter and Cho Chang’s relationship would be held up as the best example of Pak-China friendship.
67. Despite saving the world, Ron and Hermoine’s Parents would criticize them for dropping out of school in their final year.
68. The religious political parties would be the keepers in our Quidditch teams. They are very good at not letting anything pass.