Shehzad Ghias Shaikh

Stand-up comedian/Writer/Trainer

Shehzad Ghias Shaikh, the founder of Cogito Productions and Room for Improv-ment, has a decade of experience working in the theatre and television industry of Pakistan. He is also a journalistic scholar on theatre in Pakistan.

Shehzad performs stand up comedy all over Pakistan, the United States and Canada. He also tours with his improvisational comedy troupe and writes comedy and satire for various organizations.

Shehzad has degrees in law, arts and theatre. He offers workshops, trainings and speaking sessions on confidence building, communication, personality development, idea generation, team building, writing, acting, directing, improvisational and performing.

For Bookings/Inquiries: Please contact at

shehzadghias@gmail.com

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Do away with liberals (Satire)

Originally appeared here:
http://www.dawn.com/news/1153293/do-away-with-the-liberals

I've had it with them. Enough is enough. This group of people has been corroding the very fabric of our society; they have already caused us enough damage and if we do not act against them now, they will use their ideological extremism to attack every facet of our lives.

You know who I am talking about: the liberals!

The liberals, with their Ivy-league degrees and their lofty ideas borrowed from philosophers whose names we cannot even pronounce. I mean, what the hell kind of a name is Nietzsche? Such pretentiousness.

Then you have the Marxists.

I am surprised how their tailors even find the amount of red cloth required to make all those flags. One would think a bunch of people calling for equality would make flags using some other colour for a change.

Speaking of flags, my poor mother spent an entire day in Toronto waving a rainbow-coloured flag thinking she was supporting a post-apartheid South Africa.

She even asked me, “Why does the pride parade logo look exactly like the old Hum TV logo?”

I stayed mum. What could I say? I couldn't bear to shatter her conservative utopia and reveal who the humsafar was in this case.

Also read: Being queer was not always a crime in Pakistan

My mother's was a simpler time. Her generation did not have this fad of liberalism. Everyone accepted that they had no rights, and as a result, they all led fairly happy lives.

They did not have the peer pressure forcing them to protest for freedom; they were 'free' from this social obligation. Instead of asking for their rights, they could just exercise them. Get the genius here?

But I have to say, what is the point of exercising your freedom of expression if you are not going to get any likes on it?

Did the older generation even have the common courtesy to acknowledge they had borrowed somebody else's ideas before repeating them? I never heard my grandparents go “Retweet @…” before saying their stuff out loud.

They were constrained by technology; they must have had to wait weeks to get pictures of their food developed to show to people. You had to rely on the Kodak photo studios to apply the right Instagram filter on your pictures.

But by and large, they were good days, I have to say, because all this technology now has given these liberals too much control over our country.

They have no respect for anyone or anything, not even our flag — they wear it as a t-shirt. If flags were meant to be worn as clothes, don’t you think Gandhi would have done so? The only reason he could not convince Kashmir to be a part of India was he found out how cold it was up there. Gandhi walked up to the border and simply walked back shaking his head saying: “Nope. Nope. Nope.”

Take a look: Stop this gender discrimination…against men!

These liberals want Pakistan to act like a modern democracy. They keep quoting laws from England. If we wanted to be ruled by the British, we would have never let them go in the first place. We made a country because we didn’t like their laws, and their rules, and their commissions.

We liked their railway, and cricket, so we kept those, but we don’t want them to come back. Do you see us shouting “Simon come back, sorry about 1919?” No, you don't.

Man, I do miss the days when PTV was the only channel on TV. It had zero liberals in it. Now, all the private channels are flooded with them. They're everywhere, perverting the minds of the children of our country, shouting out CIA's unjust torture techniques and what not.

I do not want to know what the CIA does wrong, I want to know the same things I wanted to know back when I was a kid: who came to Neelam Ghar wearing mismatched socks and will end up going home with a water cooler.

See: When will our news channels learn to cover tragedy?

Life was so simple. The liberals confined themselves to getting together at tea houses, reading poetry and hugging books written by Sadat Hasan Manto. None of them were on night time television shows. I am sure none of them even know how to drive a tractor or the fact that it has four wheels.

These liberals have moved television away from comfortable, quality programming. Now we have shows which actually question the state’s policy.

I mean, dude, the only reason I vote is so that the state is somebody else’s worry. Why would you take that away from me?

As long as I have my highways and my metro bus, I don’t care what hotel Nawaz Sharif stays in New York.

Now, suddenly these 20-somethings feel like they can tell people how to act. I ask them, where were you during Partition? Where were you during 1965? Where were you during 1971?

I know the excuse, “Oh we weren’t born then”— typical liberal behavior. If the wars Pakistan fought were Facebook events, they would all have been there.

They are so hypocritical, I ask them this: If they want freedom, why are they living in Pakistan?

It has come to a point where everyone must decide what side of the line they are on, the liberal side or the Pakistani one. It has been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that all liberals in Pakistan were created on a factory on Mars in a joint venture by America, India and all the Jews of the world.

I for one, am proud to say I am a Pakistani, I don’t care much for liberalism. It is a philosophy based on the idea of liberty, and boy do I hate going to liberty. I hate standing outside for hours and hours waiting for my mother to complete her shopping.